This brave Wisconsin foster parent asked what many others were feeling. It was a risk and it could have created a negative storm of troll responses from fellow foster parents. On the contrary, the comments only confirmed her need to ask the question in the first place. The post received comments from the hearts of Wisconsin foster parents and foster moms across the country.
Being a foster parent requires support from those who understand.
Foster parents need reassurance, even from strangers. Often times fostering brings feelings of self-doubt leaving foster parents to question their capabilities both physically and emotionally. It is common for foster moms to question if they are doing the right thing or if others feel the same way they do. Luckily, there are dozens of online forums offering caregivers a safe place to ask difficult questions in hopes of getting encouraging responses. This foster mom dared to ask this:
"Have any foster parents been placed with a child they find difficult to like due to behaviors?"
WOW! What a brave question! I imagine there are many foster parents that have contemplated this question many times throughout their fostering journey. Although this question might seem a bit callous and insensitive to those who have never fostered, it deserves kudos for being asked. For anyone exploring how to become a foster parent, the comments below may be very insightful and helpful in making the decision to help kids heal from trauma.
Sadly yes. This morning he (FS9) kept pushing his limits until I raised my voice at which point he laughed and walked away proud that he got to me. He then admitted he was just trying to push me to my limit. 6 months of this! Tomorrow is a new day and we will survive.
My husband and I are dealing with that now. It's been two months of fostering our FS7 and FD9. We cannot fault them for their behaviors at all. They bounced around quite a bit before we accepted the placement. We are first-timers, this has been extremely difficult for us and thankfully we have a great case manager and marriage
I think you made a good distinction— it’s ok to not like a child’s behavior. It’s not ok to not like the child (regardless of behavior). If you’re in the realm of the first, then yes, I’ve been there. Many times! Kids' behaviors can be so hard. If you’re in the realm of the second, I’d talk with your caseworker for support. The best placement for a child is a place they will feel loved and accepted.
Yes! If I'm honest, most of them are hard to like at the beginning. Once you get to know them and they let their guard down, it gets so much easier. We foster teen girls and they make so much progress it is unbelievable. Hang in there.
Yes, me! And we're moving towards adoption this month! Great things can happen.
Yes, a 4-year-old with anger issues and meanness I had never seen. She affected everyone in the house. My husband and I were constantly at odds with how to handle her and our bio kids were struggling to be around her. We hung in there for 17 months. Not sure I would do it again with a little one like that but she taught us a lot about who we are and what we are capable of.
Yes! My FD13 was "unadoptable" and they wanted to put her in a long-term facility. We said yes to the placement. It was awful at first but she is the sweetest, funniest, most outgoing kid you'll meet. Hang in there, it usually gets better. We've made so much progress and healing that you wouldn't believe it. We will be adopting her from foster care soon.
Yes, unfortunately, his trauma was so deep. There was no child left, only a shell trying to survive, as many of the little ones are. Don’t judge yourself or the child, just do what you can and love them as much as possible.
Yes, I felt terribly guilty- I know he could feel it even though I tried to like him. It didn’t work out - it’s tough but not every placement works out and that's okay.
Yes, FD13 is the oldest of the sibling group and experienced the most neglect and abuse. She was "the mom" to her siblings before so whatever I do for the other kids sets her off. She can be so mean, it is hard to like her some days. I absolutely realize the way she is, is not her fault. I know she needs love and I will continue to give it, but she doesn’t make it easy for us. Keep on keeping on!
Yes, I’m just happy to see someone else say it’s NOT instant and everlasting love.
New foster parents are always worried about attachment and saying goodbye. They have no idea that sometimes it’s a real struggle to like foster kids because of their behaviors. We have a FS6 that has been in 5 foster homes already because nobody could handle his behaviors. We are hanging in there and beginning to see progress. Stay strong!
I've had many guilt-filled nights and tear-filled showers over the years. It can be hard but the good days always outweigh the bad days.
Yes, our FD8 was difficult at first. I felt just awful that I was so easily annoyed by her and didn't like the way she acted. BUT, we hung in there and after a couple of months things changed drastically. I believe that when she started to feel safe is when her behaviors changed.
Sometimes when I'm exhausted it is hard to separate but I take time to breathe and remind myself it’s not their fault they are dealing with horribly tragic things that most adults would crumble over.
So many honest foster parent reactions.
It is wonderful to read the comments and realize that all these women have paddled the same boat at some point in their foster care journey. It is also reassuring to know we aren't alone in whatever we do. CCR focuses on using trauma-informed care principles to prepare foster parents to care for children with heightened behaviors.
If you are interested in learning more about becoming a foster parent for kids with trauma backgrounds, please CCR anytime.
