Wisconsin Foster Parent Learns About Trauma from 5-year-old

I wanted to become a foster parent for as long as I can remember. My dream was to foster a younger child under the age of ten. I am a single foster parent with no children of my own, so I safely assumed fostering would come with many challenges. I didn't realize how important it would be to have a team behind me—a dedicated team of professionals with many years of experience working with foster children. Until I received a lengthy email on the first day of school, I also had no idea what I would need from my child's teacher.

Being a foster parent will bring challenges and rewards.

I honestly did not know how much kids were hurting and how many disappointments most had. The day I called CCR to get information about becoming a foster parent was the first I heard about childhood trauma and trauma-informed care. They explained the long-term effects of neglect and abuse on younger children and what that can look like for foster parents. I gained insight into my strengths and how my skills and personal experiences might contribute to helping children heal. I learned that love alone would not be enough, and I would struggle to succeed without proper support.

I became a foster parent and got my first placement quickly.

I didn't know how long it might take to get a call, and I worried if I was ready to take on the responsibility of parenting someone else's child. Self-doubt took over. Although my case manager said my feelings were "normal," I questioned myself. The call came much sooner than I anticipated!

Jaydeen was a tiny 5-year-old that came to my home wide-eyed and full of energy. Lots of energy! Without a doubt, it wasn't always positive energy. The first few days, okay months, were a challenge. Jaydeen lacked any semblance of structure. She struggled to listen, and there were no boundaries with play, mealtime, or bedtime. It was a lot to witness initially, and I immediately depended on my case manager and Jaydeen's teacher to reassure me.

My foster child's first day of school was filled with challenges.

I drove Jaydeen to school with extreme trepidation and nearly cried when I left her. We had been together for just a few days. I wondered if the teacher could handle her with the other children in the classroom. Jaydeen struggled in all the ways CCR told me a child her age might.

In addition to living with me, a stranger, Jaydeen, had been torn from family, friends, and school. I prayed her teacher would have a successful first day with her. I didn't anticipate the trauma-informed care principles her teacher would apply on day one. I received an email detailing Jaydeen's first day; it was insightful and gave me much hope.

Good evening; I wanted to give you an idea of how Jaydeen's day went.

When Jaydeen came to school, she did a great job lining up and following the class into school. When we get into school, frog stickers are on the floor the students stand on while waiting to use the bathroom. Jaydeen was having trouble standing on the frog and began running down the hallway. It escalated when I asked her to stop, and she kept running. After using the bathroom, students hung up their items, and Jaydeen did this beautifully.

Class begins with circle time. Jaydeen did not sit in the circle but instead played at a table with some manipulatives. I put them out for her in advance, anticipating that sitting still on her first day may be challenging. (I've seen this before) Unfortunately, during our circle time, she began playing in all centers and throwing toys at us to get our attention. We continued with circle time, ignoring the behavior, and she stopped. Her behavior adjustment was very encouraging.

Ignoring negative behaviors worked well at times.

During playtime, Jaydeen ran around the room and screamed on and off very loudly. She knocked kids' toys over and watched them react. When I approached her, she ran away. We gently asked her to stop and explained that it was not safe, and she calmed down a bit. When Jaydeen is NOT getting a reaction or attention, she will stop some negative behavior.

I had another adult in my room, and she asked Jaydeen to play a game. She settled down for about 10 minutes and played a few games in the quiet area. After that, she played calmly with a few of the other students. She was enjoying her playtime. The adult played with her in another center, but she started hitting her. I tried to engage her in more calming activities, but that wasn't easy. She did manage to work nicely in the art center for a brief time with me.

The day was long, but there were many positive behaviors.

During clean-up time, Jaydeen took the timer and ran out the door down the hallway. She came back and said, "I hid the timer." I didn't react and said it was time to clean up and go home. Jaydeen returned to the room with the timer and helped clean up the classroom. She got ready to go and lined up nicely with the other kids. She waited quietly and patiently for you to pick her up.

The safety of all children is paramount.

I know this is new to her, and you and I will continue to use tools to encourage positive behavior. However, please understand that the safety of all children is paramount. I am hopeful that she will get into a routine with consistency and time.

I hope this email isn't too overwhelming. Feel free to let me know if I can help in any way.

WOW! WOW! Her first day at a new school brought out so many behaviors. More than I had witnessed at home. These are the things that CCR taught in the foster parent training. Teachers and seasoned foster parents expect actions like these from kids with significant trauma, especially severely neglected children. Jaydeen's teacher and my case manager saw it from day one. I am so blessed that both women are part of my team on my foster parenting journey.

Her teacher did everything right!

What I appreciate most is that her teacher looked for positive ways to redirect Jaydeen. Also, trauma-informed care practices allowed many positive outcomes throughout the school day. Most importantly, she continued with patience and encouragement. I can't imagine how hard it must be to have a disruptive student in the classroom.

Several weeks have passed, and Jaydeen is making progress daily at home and school. Her teacher communicates with me regularly so that we are both on the same page. Trauma is ugly. Trauma is real. Most importantly, I truly believe that kids can heal from trauma!

Please get in touch with CCR or call anytime. The staff will help anyone explore how to become a foster parent. 800-799-0450

Shocking Stories from WI Foster Parents with Young Kids

A Wisconsin foster parent is overwhelmed with toddlers in her care and reached out for advice on social media. Sadly, her feelings of frustration, exhaustion, and helplessness are common. If you want to become a foster parent to younger kids these testimonies may be a much-needed reality check. If you think younger kids are easier to foster than older kids these foster moms will give you lots to think about. These foster parent stories are real, raw, and honest.

After one week, foster parents want kids removed.

I think we are going to ask for our placement to be moved. I feel awful and never thought we would be in this position.

A week ago we took a placement with a 3 and 5-year old that the agency didn't know much about. The 5-year-old has nonstop tantrums all day long over everything and anything. The tantrums get physical pretty quick (hitting, kicking, biting, chucking things, and destroying the house). Although we have seen a tiny amount of progress in her, this is exhausting and I don't think we can handle it much longer. It is mentally and physically taking a toll on us and we are running on fumes.

Five foster homes in 6 months compound a child's trauma.

I feel your pain. We just took on two boys three and four, two weeks ago. One of them has non-stop tantrums and does exactly what you described. We try to sit with him in the room and completely ignore him and let him have his tantrums but know that he is not alone. During this time he will punch and head butt and kick and I will protect myself by moving him or standing up against the wall facing the wall and follow guidelines that I am allowed to do what I need to do to stop him from harming me or himself. My foster son has had 5 placements in six months. I believe he is taking back some control and before he is moved he is trying to take control and make us angry so that he gets to move again because that's what he's used to. That might not be it at all but this is some of the worst behaviors I have ever witnessed. I never imagined little kids could be so damaged. It is heartbreaking!

Our 4-year-old did this for the first 8 months we had him. He even climbed on my back and bit me many times. We would have to take everything out of his room and I mean everything except the bed. We recorded many of these episodes to show our caseworker. The caseworker finally agreed to get him an appointment with a doctor who diagnosed him with PTSD and ADD. They gave him medication to help control his behaviors and after a while we saw some improvement. We also got him into daycare for behaviors where he gets to work one on one with someone every day. He is still with us today and has been in our home for 2 years now.

The foster parents left her at daycare because they couldn't deal with her!!

11 months ago we got a 3 1/2-year-old boy that was the same way. He is still with us. He is much improved but still has a lot of room to grow. He ended up having a diagnosis of PTSD. It's been a long hard road but it's worth it and it's nice to see how much he's improved. It certainly wasn't easy and we considered giving up too early on. Now he gets several types of therapy and a lot of services and support including parent coaching for us and other things.

Our 4 yr old was like this and some other issues. He was diagnosed with RAD, mild autism, ADHD, and sound speech disorder! We have had him 14 months and I can say it’s been really hard! If it wasn’t for his therapist and our caseworker we would have given up. We also have his 2-year-old brother now for 17 months and he is one of the reasons we have pushed so hard to help him. The 2-year-old thankfully is just a normal terrible two which isn’t so fun, but we can handle it! Before us, the 4-year-old was in 5 homes in 4 months and left at daycare by two of the homes because the caseworker didn’t have anywhere to take him and they couldn’t handle it anymore. We are setting up child mental health therapy services and hope to get him the help he needs that we can't give him.

Temper tantrums and violence push foster parents to question themselves.

We’ve had our 6-year-old foster daughter for a month now. At first, the tantrums were CONSTANT. Now we’re down to 10-15 per day. It’s getting better and they’re getting shorter.

We took on a 4-year-old girl and 3-year-old sister and we felt the same. We have had them for almost 10 weeks now and have seen big improvements. I felt I couldn't do it at first. She was violent to her sister, screaming, turning the house upside down at least 4 or 5 times a day. We have constantly explained to her that this is now how we behave, lots of positive encouragement for the good things, told her to deal with her anger by scrunching her sheets in her room or blowing up an imaginary balloon. Spent a lot of time in her bedroom during the first few days. Timeouts (time in with me on the couch didn't work at all!) Please give it more time, it may get better quicker than you think.

My foster daughter now 7 was just like this, even included spitting in my face, throwing meals across the room, head butting me. It was horrible in the beginning. And still can be at times. I learned she was acting out because she couldn't express herself and it frustrated her to a point of anger, the only emotion she knew. After several months of OT and counseling, and a lot of patience and one on one time, she's doing so much better. It's not an instant fix and takes a long time but the bond you build with these kids is amazing. I know it's exhausting! Hang in there if you can. With the proper services, it will get better.

Hate and anger are all her foster children knew.

I have 2 kids of my own 8 and 12 and now I have 3 foster kids. They're 3, 6, and 10. They've come from a violent drug-fueled home. Hate and anger are all they know. I still have my days where I don't know how I'll handle it but I know we have so much love to give and things to teach them. All 3 are in therapy and we have not had any crazy tantrums in a couple of months. I feel like we are working through and making progress. Fight for them to get the services they need. We still struggle and days are not always easy but it is so worth it.

Foster parents have a choice. Foster kids do not.

I am a former foster child. In my biological home, I was taught that whoever screamed the loudest and whoever could physically dominate everyone else, was the boss. If you’re looking for only sweet, well-behaved children with no problems, fostering may not be for you. I’m not saying things can’t or won’t change, but it takes, TIME, PATIENCE and CONSISTENCY. If you are able to stick with it, I promise, the payoff is huge!

If you choose not to stick with it, thank you for your honesty and courage. Whatever you choose, make sure you’re sure. You have a choice, the foster kids do not. You may think you’re hiding it, but kids know when you have one foot out the door. They won’t tell you in words, but I promise the behavior will worsen. Thank you for the honesty and vulnerability of your post.

WOW! This is a reality for so many foster parents. Childhood trauma is real and tragic. Although we don't place many kids under age 5 here at CCR, when we do, these are the behaviors we see. The school-age children we place have similar trauma histories and if they have never gotten therapy services, mental health support, or been in a foster home with qualified & trained foster parents, the road can be very difficult.

We are happy to speak with you about different age groups and what fostering may look like for you and your family.