“You are so smart Jake!” he exclaims. Jake looks up at his father and smiles, happy for the praise and good feelings. “Let’s try another one Jake” choosing a slightly harder one from the pile in front of the toddler. Jake takes a puzzle piece in his little hand and tries to force it into an opening that doesn’t fit.  He moves the piece around trying new places but the puzzle piece doesn’t seem to belong anywhere. Jake looks up at his dad and starts to cry, frustration evident in his tears and body language.  Jake’s dad picks him up and cuddles him until the tears finish.

What just happened with Jake and his dad? Why didn’t the caring praise his father offered help Jake to keep working his puzzle piece or even think about joining the piece to another one and trying the combined piece? Interesting research from the laboratory of Carol Dweck, Professor of Psychology at Stanford University tells us that giving anyone – a child, a teen or even a co-worker – praise for their “smarts” or intelligence is a risky idea.  She has shown through research with preschoolers and teens that rewarding a trait like “smarts” or “beauty”, something that is “fixed” and assumed to be part of the person’s personality undercuts learning when the child later encounters a challenge or difficulty.

Children who have been offered praise for their intelligence or athletic prowess or musical ability go on to believe that they will always be smart until… they’re not. When they encounter a difficult challenge, they tend to attribute their troubles to a loss of this smartness or athletic ability, rather than to a need for more effort. They become distressed, frustrated and blame themselves for not knowing how to solve the problem.  These children grow up to avoid other challenges because the risk of failure is too great.

On the other hand children who are praised for their effort and flexible thinking are much less likely to give up on difficult tasks.  This is called a “growth mindset” and leads to greater long term learning. In fact, entering pre-med students to Columbia University who were more interested in learning earned higher grades in a difficult Chemistry course than were students who believed they were smart and would  therefore do well (Dweck & Grant, 2003). The focus on learning strategies and effort paid off for the students with the growth mindset.

So the next time you have the opportunity to offer someone feedback – either a child, your spouse or a co-worker – remember that praising the person’s “growth mindset” of flexible thinking, persistence and managing frustration is a powerful way to help them overcome difficulties and barriers. If you want creative problem solvers who can “stick with a problem rather than giving up and feeling defeated, try using phrases like:

“I noticed you’re trying to find another way to solve this problem.”

“Good thinking – you looked at all the problems to see if you could find a theme.”

“Good idea to take a break from this to get ‘fresh eyes.”

“Thanks for being willing to consider different options here.”

“I appreciate you not giving up on our discussion. I can learn a lot from your persistence.”

“Embrace the challenges and celebrate success”

Dr. Donna Rifken

Further Reading:

Cimpian, A., Arce, H.-M.C., Markman, E.M., Dweck, C.S. Subtle Linguistic Cues Affect Children’s Motivation. Psychological Science, Vol. 18, No.4, pgs. 314-316, April 2007.

Dweck, Carol S. The Secret to Raising Smart Kids. Scientific American Mind; December 2007/January 2008, Vol. 18, Issue 6, p. 36-43.

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/10/27/too-much-praise-is-no-good-for-toddlers/

http://mindsetonline.com/forum/parentsteach/index.html

Errors in Thinking is a cognitive approach to treatment that directs a youth to monitor his behavior and thinking to determine a direct connection between them.  The Errors in Thinking concept began coming of age in the late 1970’s.  Dr. Yochelson and his (then) student Dr. Stanton Samenon are responsible for developing this cognitive approach to treatment.  They studied serious criminal offenders over several years and began listing the errors that these offenders exhibited in their thinking.  Dr. Yochelson and Dr. Samenon felt that these errors in thinking inhibited criminals from reasoning correctly.  The Errors in Thinking concept emphasizes that an individual makes a conscious decision to act the way he does rather than be affected by parental, societal, and cultural forces in influencing his decisions.  This cognitive approach places the responsibility of actions back on the individual.

Now that you have a bit of historical information about Errors in Thinking and the theory behind this concept, allow me to explain how the Community Care Resources, Inc., group home staff utilizes this concept in treating youth.  The programs in operation at both Inner Changes and Challenges were adapted from the programming at Ethan Allen School for Boys in Wales, Wisconsin.

The first step in facilitating this program is learning and teaching the Errors in Thinking to youth.  Inner Changes, with a population of boys between the ages of 14 and 18 years old, incorporates all the same errors used at Ethan Allen; while Challenges teaches six of these errors in the treatment program for the age population of 10 to 14.  Listed below is a brief definition and example for each of the eight errors in thinking.

Victim Stance
Definition:  To not take responsibility for your own actions
Example:  He made me steal the car.

Lack of Effort
Definition:  To not put energy toward completing required tasks

Example:  I am failing Science because I do not do my homework.

Lack of Concern for Others
Definition:  To not care about another person by treating them poorly

Example:  I hate the way you teach your class.

 Fears Being Put Down or “Punked”
Definition:  To not allow anyone to tell you what to do or to give you constructive criticism

Example:  I do not have to do my chores.  You can’t tell me what to do.

 Refusing a Trust or Obligation
Definition:  To not follow rules or refuse to participate
Example:  I am not going to go to “Errors in Thinking” group because I do not need it.

 Shows Weak and False Pride
Definition:  To take pride in lack of accomplishments, create fears in others, and do the exact opposite of what is expected of a responsible citizen

Example:  Give me that tape, or I am going to hit you.

 Using Anger Inappropriately
Definition:  To overuse anger in difficult situations
Example:  She wouldn’t stop talking, so I hit her.

 Poor Planning & Decision Making
Definition:  To not think before you act

Example:  I did not know that smoking marijuana would postpone my discharge.

 It is important for youth and staff to be fluent in these errors.  One method developed by the boys at Inner Changes Group Home was a Jeopardy game.  Examples of errors in thinking were created and needed to be answered with the correct error.  Another effective method of teaching errors in thinking is through role playing, whereby errors are directly related to experiences of the youth participating in the program.

C.C.R. Group Homes implement the Errors in Thinking treatment approach on a daily basis.  It is important that a youth become familiar with errors he demonstrates in his thinking.  Log sheets are used as a tool to familiarize the youth with errors and teach him to work toward correcting these errors.  The focus of the log sheets is what the youth thought, not what he did.  This emphasis flows from the theory that it is the thinking pattern or habit that must be changed before the behavior.  Log sheets identify the error in thinking, state what the youth was thinking before the error was made, state the correct thought, and relate this error in thinking to previous experiences.  The log sheets are reviewed by the facilitator of the Errors in Thinking Program and discussed individually with each youth.

When using the Errors in Thinking model in an attempt to change thought processes in youth, the Community Care Resources, Inc., treatment group homes Challenges & Inner Changes focus on two main ideas:  thoughts–not behaviors–and creativity–making it fun!

By:   Cynthia Schaefer, MSW, CICSW

Thinking Errors

 Thinking errors are flaws in our sense of self-worth that become rigid patterns of self-talk.  (Self-talk is the things you tell yourself inside your head about what is happening around you.  Everyone does it.)  These flaws or thinking errors arise from assuming that our needs and desires should take priority over anyone else’s.  At the core of this are three common characteristics:  1) self-centeredness, 2) irresponsible behavior, and 3) non-empathic feelings.

Those who behave without regard for their impact on others may rely on these patterns of erroneous thinking and self-talk to justify their self-centered behavior.  Children who have experienced significant abuse may have developed these thinking errors to cope with their painful experiences.  Identify these patterns in your foster child and see the “So Now What Do I Do?” article for some ideas on how to intervene.

Twenty Commonly Used Thinking Errors

Reprinted from Prescription for Anger, Hankins & Hankins

So Now What Do I Do?
I can see many of you nodding as you recognize the patterns of thinking errors in our foster kids.  As with passive-aggressive anger, dealing with this problem requires awareness on the part of foster parents so they can observe a child’s behavior, identify a pattern, and discuss this with the child in an opportune moment.

• Each of these errors in thinking can be thought of on a continuum; and all of us have utilized them in childhood certainly, and perhaps as adults also (e.g. “I want it and I want it NOW!”)  When you tell yourself over and over, however, that others are to blame or “I can’t do it,” it is easy to get into a self-destructive cycle.  The messages we tell ourselves can be reconstructed through awareness and practice.

• After the discipline and consequences are passed out, and you have an opportunity to discuss what happened, point out your observations of a thinking error in a nonthreatening way.  Here are a couple of examples:

“I’ve noticed that when things don’t go your way, sometimes you will get angry and pout or slam doors.  Do you think this is good for you?  Does it help you get what you need?”  (Anger)

“Sometimes I see you wanting things to happen immediately, and then you get really frustrated when it doesn’t work out that way.  Unfortunately, though all of us like to get what we want, it takes time and we have to wait.  Waiting is hard.”  (Instancy)

“I know you like to think of yourself as special and unique, and you are.  However, the rules apply to everyone here with as much fairness as possible.  We need these rules so everyone can live here as a family.”  (Uniqueness)

(NOTE:  In these examples I begin with “I” statements, and I use a gentle, empathic approach.  This is meant to be instructive, not confrontational, which would create defensiveness and ruin the message.)

• When you discuss an error in thinking, the goal is to show them how they are hurting themselves and how it interferes with getting what they need.  The emphasis is on how they sabotage themselves so that they may be interested in looking at situations in a new way.

• Discuss with the child more positive ways of thinking about their lives.  This could include positive affirmations that they can state to themselves as alternatives.  Examples include:

“I can do it if I try really hard.”  (I Can’t)

“I am responsible for my own choices and my happiness.”  (Victim Stance)

“I will make commitments and stick to them.”  (Fragmentation)

When using positive affirmations, they must be repeated and rehearsed before they can become a new way of thinking.  Try a new one for yourself today.  You deserve it!

By:   Monica Wightman

I am afraid that I have no miracle solution as to how to stop kids from lying.  For the most part it is unavoidable, and there will be lies that you could not have stopped.  But if you create more situations where your child feels less compelled to lie and can tell the truth, then you can make a big difference as to how much your child will lie.

As for social lies, school lies, and any other kind of lie where your child is lying to someone else besides you, it is hard to keep your child from lying.  Often you will have no way of knowing that a lie was told in the first place.  The only thing that I can think of to keep one’s child from lying outside the homestead is just to do what you have probably been doing all along, talking to your kid on what is right and wrong.  Now I cannot tell you exactly what you should teach your kids, but, although we all hate it, the best way to teach a kid something and make it stick is repetition.  At any age you should teach your child whatever y our ideas are about lying if you want to keep them from lying.

Lies in the home are something that, unlike the aforementioned type of lying, you do have control over.  Although you can somewhat prevent this type of lying through ongoing discussions, you also have the twin powers of questioning and punishing.

Questioning should be conducted calmly and not with an angry voice.  I have been afraid to tell the truth sometimes to my parents, just because they are in a bad mood and are making me feel intimidated and not wanting to tell the truth.  Although previous to the questioning and after it, I would probably rather confess and rid myself of the guilt and consequences, by then I am usually just trying to save myself at that exact moment and I’m not giving thought to possible repercussions.

A useful technique that will often bring out the truth is plea bargaining.  Offering to lessen the punishment if the kid confesses instead of continuing the lie can be very tempting for the kid, especially if he/she has doubts about the credibility of his/her lie.  Also, I think it works better to start the questioning out on small things, so your child is not tempted to make up a great big lie about everything, just because the first question scared him/her.  If you suspect your child of drinking, do not straight-out ask him/her, “Have you been drinking?”  Take it slow, and start by asking things like, “Where have you been?” and “What did you do?”  If you question calmly and reasonably, your child will feel much less need to lie.

Although this will also gain me much hatred from many kids in America, I am going to reveal my parents’ best punishments, which can be used as a deterrent to lying.  When I was younger and my parents caught me lying, they would make me write from fifty to five hundred times the same sentence over and over.  I will not lie to my parents.  I will not lie to my parents.  I will not lie to my parents…This proved to be pretty effective, because I hated doing those lines so much.  Now that I am older, my parents’ two favorite punishments are to fine me or make me do work for them unpaid.  Believe me, all three of these techniques work, and if used as a punishment/deterrent for lying, I can guarantee their effectiveness.

With the proper amounts of lecturing, questioning, and punishment you will not be able to stop your child from lying entirely, but you can make a big reduction in the amount, seriousness, and frequency of their lying.

-Excerpt from Why Kids Lie:  How Parents Can Encourage Truthfulness

• Take a break. Adults need to play too! Spend fun time as a family, as a couple, and alone.  Remember that you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of others.
• Practice makes perfect.Children with underdeveloped social skills can benefit from teaching and role playing to prepare for successful peer interactions.  Help your child practice being a good friend, solving problems, and managing angry feelings.  Teens may benefit from practicing assertiveness skills.
• Schedule for fun.  If your kids need a high level of structure, break up the day into activities and unstructured time.  Some busy parents take a recess every afternoon and use the children’s quiet time to renew themselves.
• Turn off the television.  Summer is an active, growing time.  Children don’t grow physically, emotionally, or socially from sitting in front of the set.  Limit screen activities to short periods of time.  A week without television can lead to amazing leaps of creativity.
• Be adventurous. Try new activities with your children.  Brainstorm about mini-adventures for the whole family, and commit to trying something new.  Remember that role modeling is the best way to teach!
• Set small goals. Kids with poor social skills need lots of small opportunities to practice and improve.  An hour at the swimming pool may be more realistic, and more fun, than a day at the water park.  Big outings can be a long-term goal for the end of the summer.
• Build a network.  Take advantage of recreation programs in your town and nearby communities.  Many foster parents plan group activities together.  Several parents can share the responsibility and the fun of an active group of kids.
• Put out the welcome mat.  Become the kid-centered house in your neighborhood.  When your child has friends over to play, you have the opportunity to supervise as necessary and to teach in the moment.

- Alexandria vonKirschner, CICSW

Most foster parents have had experience with youth who have either run away from home or have frequent unaccounted for periods in their home community. Some children in care have not had the family expectation of parental supervision. At times, youth who have difficulty adjusting to the increased accountability of treatment foster care may run from their foster home back to their community ties.

Over the years, Community Care Resources, Inc. has developed specific interventions for dealing with runaway behaviors in treatment foster care. This parental approach involves clearly outlining expectations, responding in a non-escalating way in emotional situations and following through with logical and natural consequences.

• Develop a strong relationship and open communitcation with your foster children. Help the youth feel accepted and listened to in your home.
• With your clinical case manager’s help, refer the youth to a therapist to address treatment issues such as depressions and substance abuse; connect the youth with services to help with school and peer issues.
• Be clear about expectations up front. When introducing a new placement to your home and rules discuss your response to unaccounted for time or running away. You may say something like,

                This may be different than you are used to, but while you are here, we need to know where you are at all times. We believe that teenagers need close supervision until they have earned trust. Since you are court ordered into foster care, we will need to call the police if you are not where you are supposed to be. When the police pick you up, they will contact us and we will bring you back  here. If you did make the choice to run away, you would be back on a settling-in period without community privledges to give you the opportunity to earn our trust back.

• Do not try to stop a youth from leaving your home. In the midst of a defiant episode, a child may verbally threaten to run away or grab his coat and head for the door. Calmly tell him that you hope he will not make such a poor choice. Don’t physically try to deter a youth from leaving your home.
• Remember that the ride home from the police station is probably not a teachable moment. A parent who has been awakened from a sound sleep to pick up a runaway is not the best state of mind to talk about concern for and take a defiant stance, rather than be able to listen.

Experienced foster parents choose to delay discussion of feelings and consequences until they can be calmly processed.

• Take care of health and safety concerns when a youth returns from a run. Remind your foster child of your home rules regarding being accountable for behavior. Adolescents with suspected substance use should have a urinalysis the day after a return from a run. Teens who are sexually sctive should have an STD screen following a run, to assure they are in good physical health.
• Expect that a period of time will be needed to repair the relationship following a run – and that your foster child may prefer to act as if everything is back to normal. Parents may need to remind the youth that their relationship is damaged and it will take time and attention to repair. Schedule time together to rebuild trust and appreciation.

 Work with the child and your clinical case manager to develop a safety plan and contract for the future. The plan should include safe actions at various decision points.

 A typical contract would be:

1. I understand that running away puts my safety at risk and worries people who care about me. If I feel like running away I will _______(talk to foster mother, call clinical case manager, call therapist, journal, etc.)
2. If I feel I must run away, I will call my foster parents and let them know I am safe.
3. If I run, I understand that a runaway report will be filed and my foster parents will be contacted when I am located.
4. If I run, I understand that I will have consequences including_____(loss of privledges, extentions of a 30-day settling in period, etc.)

 The youth, foster parents, biological parents, county worker, and clinical case manager should sign the contract.

 Credit to Alexandria vonKirschner, MSW

                Community Care Resources, Inc. Newsletter XII 3, p.3